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Dolce Vita

That’s sweet life in Italian. I’m back to what I wanted – a completely lazy holiday.

So far the days have been completely idyllic. I wake up and I read the papers with my toast and my soy milk. I read my daily online fodder for the next one hour so after that and then I move to the shower. After which I come back and clean my room. Trust me, it may be a small room but I can’t imagine how many things I have stuffed into that place since I got here last September. I laze around til its like 1230 and then I switch on the TV. It’s some sort of unspoken rule I have with myself never to switch on the telly before that. It’s almost sacrilegious. Heh. Yeah. Our little idiosyncracies. Then it’s lunch when my stomach says its lunch and not because I can’t eat at other time. Then the afternoons melt away in the heat doing a number of things which include munching, sleeping, day dreaming, reading, watching movies, surfing the Net and yes, the telly. Evenings are relegated to exercise. I have to get back on my running regime if I’m to complete the 21 km run without stopping to catch my breath and walk. My goal is to complete it with stopping to walk. Run, jog all the way. No stop.

So far it has been good. Going back to school to work on the ads for the upcoming launch. We are calling it the SMU Women’s Connection. I guess names sound cheesy at first but they will stick. This name will stick. It’s just sad that the name shortens to SMU WC. Boo. So we call it SWC. Ah well. Then, I have meet ups with friends. Had a lovely day with Terri on Wednesday. It’s been so long since I sat down for like hours just to talk over soup and sandwiches. Cedele is great for that – great place for good conversation and non-intrusive waiters.

Days are happier. Well, I occasionaly do berate myself for creating my mess. I hate showing people that I am weak. I guess that is the reason why I do the things I do. Only to realise maybe I may have over done it. Or, was it just to get attention? Ha.

I think it will take me some time to make peace with myself, the way things should be and the way things are going.

So everything should be roses from now on right?

I have talked with my boss, which induced bout of breathlessness. Which is why I have been sick in the first place. We talked and we cleared things out and ok, I’m guilty of having made my illness a bit more than what it is … but hey, I don’t care I’m done with internship and that’s all there is. I have to go back to clear up the remains possibly tomorrow or the day after. But besides that that’s it.

Thanks for staying by me through everything and giving me my space. Thanks.

So everything should be roses from now on right?

Choices.

I’ve made up my mind. I have written in to my boss to end my internship with them. I hope he respects my decision and understands where I am coming from. I am now awaiting his call. If that is finalised, I can go back to doing what I had always wanted to do. Have a holiday. Relax. Exercise. Get back a life. Do some things. Go some places.

Please listen to that email. I really need this time back.

Anxiety sucks. What the fuck am I worried about?

It’s been nearly 2 weeks and I have no clue what is wrong with me. I’ve been to the doctor like twice. Firstly, because of the pain in my abdomen and how that was causing breathing problems. So I was prescribed muscle relaxants, pain killers and gastric meds.

Thought I was getting better but screwed up my system by not eating anything the whole day and drinking a double shot of coffee to stay up for the World Cup. Gladly, France lost and Italy won and I went off to work 4 hours later. There, groggy and completely uncomfortable that I was chose the wholesome and completely healthy McDonald’s milkshake for lunch. (sometimes I wonder if my mind conspires to ruin my health..now why it would do that is a completely difficult question to answer). Of course, I returned to my workplace to throw up like 3-4 times and promptly went off early to school to sleep before the meeting.

oh well, to cut the long story short, I have been diagnosed with anxiety the second time i saw the doctor. He said it was hyperventilation which was onset by anxiety. Well, it’s hard not to get anxious at times like this… let’s what I have on my plate.

1. I am anxious cos I’m not getting any exercise.

When I don’t exercise, I put on weight. Easily. I don’t want that happening since well I have been nicely bestowed with the power to accumulate fats.

2. I am anxious cos I want to go on exchange but my GPA sucks

Ok the only reason I’m anxious here is that I can’t travel in a group and I have to lone it by myself and I am too chicken for that.

3. I am anxious cos I think my scholarship won’t be renewed

’nuff said.

4. I am anxious cos I think I am mollycoddled and too dependant on my parents

This is the explanation to point 2. I think I am incapable of mature decisions and I just act like a kid around everyone and anytime I try to be a bit more serious, people give me the ‘are you ok’ spiel. I fucking need to grow up and wise up.

5. I am anxious cos I think I get setback at every step and I lose faith easily.

I used to have immense will power. I used to be able to do things exceptionally well. Now I’m just plain lazy. I think it maybe cos I am fat. It also maybe cos I give up too easily. I look at others who have changed so much over the years (for the better) and I’m like ‘Bloody fuck, I lost that much time in doing that’

I am degenerating to something I really don’t want to be. Emotionally, I think I am a wreck. Humour as a defence can only help me so much. After a while, it gets tiresome cos the real you is sick of the charade. What’s the real me? I don’t know. I hear all these insipirational stories and I go,’I think I can do it’.

But I’m afraid to let go. Why? I’m not sure myself. Make changes. That’s easier said than done. I think I try to be independant. I try to be the strong one. But I can’t anymore. At least for now.

I think I know whats wrong. I’m afraid of disppointing others of what I can be. I am afraid of disapppointing her. Gosh, I have become a sad sad sad person.

If you are reading this, don’t call me.